My
name is Ulot, and my journey started on the 04/01/2001. After 22 years in this
world, I felt an emptiness that could not be explained. Let me try to describe
this feeling; lonely, sad, afraid, ashamed, and mostly a failure. I had a
desire to end my life, and trust me this was not because of the effect of
marijuana or alcohol that I had always indulged in, it was because I could not
see a way out of my situation. As a third year college student, I could not
boast of enough credits to be officially called a second year student which
obviously eliminated any thought of graduating the following year. My proud
parents have been anticipating my graduation and the thought of me going to the
UK for a master’s degree in Accounting; whenever my mum mentioned how she had
saved up money for me to go for a master’s degree, my stomach shriveled to the
amount of deceit I had conceived over the years, the appalling lies I had told
about my “good standing” in school, and the fear of being exposed continuously
haunted me.
Let
us take a look back at the last two years of my life. I come from a middle class
family, born by highly educated and successful parents in Lagos Nigeria. In my
first year in college I had a good car, a good monthly allowance from my
parents, and a rich girlfriend who was generous to a fault. I also had a best
friend who was from a more wealthy background. We attended all the great
parties in and out of college campus, dated pretty girls and “messed around
“quite often. Trust me I was never molested by uncle or father, starved by
step-mother or aunt, never had a younger brother shot during a drive-by or
cousin raped in an ally somewhere. I was just a young Christian adult male
looking to explore all the negatives life had to offer. My best friend and I
missed classes for beer parties, got high before a major test or exam, spent
the evenings entertaining boys and girls from various backgrounds till late
into the night. To me, LIFE COULD NOT BE BETTER THAN THIS! The result of all
this brings me to 04/01/2001. We are at the Dean of Accounting’s office finally
meeting the professor after several attempts. My parents are filled with joy as
they walk in to receive the shock of their life time. My Dean does not
recognize me as one of his students (first red flag) but keeps a nice demeanor
as he welcomes my parents into his office. After exchanging pleasantries my dad
asks to see my academic record explaining to the Dean how I need to start
looking for good schools in the UK because “this was the best time to apply”.
The Dean requests I wait outside his office while he reviews my “file”; at this
time I still stick to my act of “all is well” but praying to God for a
“miracle”. A miracle that would transform all my failures to success, a miracle
that will delay this evil day somehow, or lightning to strike me dead so I will
not witness the situation that I believe is about to unfold. My mum comes out
of the Dean’s office after an hour (longest wait of my life) with tears in her
eyes. She says something to me that I never expected her to say under the
circumstance, she says and I quote “my son, you are not a drop out” she says to
me that whatever it takes for me to graduate and finish this phase of my life
she would support me. She now says that she and my dad have decided to change
my major from accounting to business because that was less stressful. Let me
take you back a few years when I was in senior high. I was that student who did
not have to read to pass an exam, and not just pass but be among the the top
three in my class. I was class prefect, I did better than all my siblings in
school. Getting into college, it struck me that that formula did not work!
Especially in an environment where I was not compelled to go to class, I was
not being monitored but solely responsible for my success!
I
took a good look at my parents and the Dean as they tried to deliberate on what
was the best course of action for me, as they proposed various majors that
seemed less stressful already concluding that I did not have the capacity to
excel in accounting. I walked up f accounting and asked him if I could get
another shot at improving my grades. He looked at me with disgust and said I
should not waste my parents’ resources, he kept emphasizing on a different
course of action. I told him to give me one year to improve on my grades and if
I did not then I would quit being a student and take a “different course of
action”. My dad looked at me like he was going to pull out a gun and shoot me
in the head, but my mum (thank God for mothers sometimes) asked if I was sure I
could “do” it and I said yes.
Within
the course of 2 years, I took certain key decisions that would enable me reach
my set goal. Firstly I eliminated everything that would bring attention to me.
One of which was my vehicle, I moved into campus. I also changed the number to
my cell phone. And lastly, I joined a Christian fellowship on campus. Now being
a Christian in my circle was not “cool” so this ensured my friends saw me as
uncool. This act made me develop a personal relationship with God. God and I
started having some really interesting conversations (I wasn’t going mad or
anything), I kept setting mile stones for myself and told him if he gave me the
strength tp refrain from “sin” I will continue to be a Christian. To my
surprise, I saw a painful turn around. I use the word painful because I felt
humiliated with the present change in life style but my motivation was the goal
set ahead of me. My brain took a while to assimilate and comprehend because of
lack of use! I would read and not understand but I continued to read. I started
to look for interesting ways to assimilate, ways that were perfect for me and
not what was popular. I understood that if I could not conceive or picture a
certain course of action in my mind, it was difficult to understand. I preferred
to study in groups and look digest the gesture of who ever was teaching. This
made learning easier compared with the boring lecturers who hated their jobs as
teachers. Judgment day came, and I went to the notice board to check my result
after 1st semester exams. Out of 8 courses (24units) I passed 7, and
out of the 7, I had a distinction in a course that I never imagined I could get
a C. my Dean was impressed so he allowed me the chance to continue in
Accounting. Some of you might be wondering how the Nigerian system of college education
works and why my Dean had the right to determine if I could continue or not. To
some of you I would say go to Google for answers, then to the others who have
an open mind and probably have been in my shoes I would say that there are
different stages in college (if you do not know already pay close attention).
You have Distinction, Pass, Probation, Warning, and Advised to Withdraw. I was
at the Warning stage and I could only boast of 40 units out of 120units needed
to be in the Pass stage in my third year of Accounting. One of the experiences
I learnt during this period was the ability to be accountable for my actions
and find strength in a higher power to be able to succeed in the “perceived
“midst of shame. I felt the whole world was looking and laughing at me. I had
to go back and take classes with the same freshman girls and guys I spent 3
years trying to make an impression. I had to look for positive energy around
me, talk to people that only focused on forging ahead. I read a book by John
Maxwell, “Failing Forward” and this gave me a whole new perspective, it helped
change my mindset about failure. I came to see failure as an ability to succeed
in areas that will improve your wellbeing having being equipped with relevant
information. I discovered for me I had to fail to succeed. I remember being
warned by my parents and some friends about my former life style, I knew it was
destructive but I just could not help but continue. I am one of the lucky few that
was able to come out without serious regrets but I came out a better and more
informed person. Another quote I used to encourage myself was “Overtaking in a
race does not mean you will win the race”. When my colleagues from the same
class were working in corporate Nigeria, I was still struggling in college to
bring my grades up to avoid expulsion. The comparisons to scenarios like these
are endless!
To be continued......
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